Well, I don't really feel good for today as I'm having conflict within myself.
What I trying to highlight here was the more you avoid the problem, the more you will suffer in future.
As an example, I just told my cousin that I want to back to Malaysia by telling her a lot of excuses such as my MSIG insurance had just expire while the travel visa might be within 6 month.
Somehow she replied, "Well, its okay to go back and I hope that you will not regret your decision, even if you're regret about it, you must learn a lesson to bear the consequences in future."
During that moment, I was speechless because I knew that I'm trying to avoid the problem of improving myself because I felt stress to write the article although I know it is for my own good. Seriously I felt quite "sarcastic" about myself because no one can influence my desire to go back now or later, and I'm still undecided. Perhaps the best word to describe this situation is that I'm finding excuse to become lazy.
In fact, it is so true that "If you are not willing to learn no, one can help you; If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you" as shown below.
Frankly speaking, the most important part that I know myself need to fix is communication skills with people and overcome my "assumption" attitude. For example, I assumed that it is better for me to stay inside the room instead of going out, but the fact is my cousin will feel that I'm being mean/rude if I didn't interact with her children. In fact, she was true that I was afraid to go out from my comfort zone. On the other hand, I am lack of critical thinking and analyzing skills when I look through the problem in the surface area. For instance, I had created a new blog and told my cousin that I will update the corrected article that she helped me to mark.
However, she was right that if I didn't know my intention for doing it, whether want to show or any other thing, it is meaningless. Moreover, if I just posted the corrected article instead of the previous one, it seems to be like a work by her instead of showing that I'm improved my English from it. Actually I did feel bad for writing so many years of broken English as I faced a huge difficulties to overcome it. Honestly, I can't act naturally when I stay in others people house although my cousin had treat me as a part of her family member. Perhaps it is because I didn't pay any rental and contribute back by doing some small housework such as washing plates. As what I heard from other friends from international English course class for the average rental rate in UK would cost around £800+ per month.
On the other hand, I felt thankful to one of my close friend which I contacted him to have some conversation.
During the night, my cousin had cooked a delicious dinner and helped me to correct my English grammar article. I am grateful to have a cousin to help me and gave me confident when she said that all this little things that you do will eventually build out your confident, don't let others people discourage you because you're the one who living your life. Furthermore, she was right that I shouldn't keep dwell on my past which is probably because I kept staying inside the room. Perhaps I should walk around the area or go out to the city as it would be no difference in Malaysia if I keep staying inside the room.
In addition, I do understand I shall not do the things that create no value for me. For an example, reading comments in forum, looking on funny videos or other procrastination stuff would be meaningless if I didn't gain anything in return. Therefore I feel that it is so true if a person can build up his personality, other good things will eventually come. In short, it is means to create meaning just like the "Art of Start" book that I shared yesterday. Somehow I do feel sorry to use "lonely, sad, emo" keywords for so many time because it would eventually influence myself in real life. Guess this is the reason why a lot of people had left me because no people like to be "lonely" and I do understand why some famous FB fanpage can be so successful when the keyword they used, mostly focus on positive, funny and being healthy.
Furthermore, the reason why I don't reveal my identity in this blog because I couldn't faced myself to share something that isn't proud to say out and I will be ashamed if my future son saw his dad for being so weak. All the time, I just keep "hiding" by being a "keyboard warrior" and let those negative energy possessed me. In fact, there is much more real life problem that need to be worry about such as the ability to present myself well in the job interview that I would need to face it soon. In conclusion, I would say that the more you're trying to avoid the problem, the more you will suffer in future because if you're fear of being hurt, you will eventually end up there from my experience. Be happy start from now!
=D