after getting myself prepared and have some Pandan cake as my breakfast, i make a move from the house around 7.40am.
somehow the weather was so cold during the morning which is quite unusual like yesterday.
after i had bought the "ticket", i just took the newspaper and read on the underground.
upon arrived to the underground tube station, it seems that someone is blocking me ahead and i thought it was a someone who will ask for money.
then i just say "no no no" and walk away but another guy come ahead me and i showed some badges but i still trying to walk away.
however, the two man asked the police to stop me and i start to realize something.
at first, the two policeman asked me about the problem and the another two guy come in front of me said want to check my tickets but i said i had put inside the machine.
somehow i just realized that the two guy was actually something like "undercover police" because they did not wear any police uniform.
after the police got my name and address, they passed me to the another undercover police.
then the undercover police start to questioned me something and i just feel that "Shxt just got real" when he something like "You are not under arrest, but everything you said will be recorded and etc" and i start to feel so petrified as my whole body start to shake since the weather is so cold.
well, i was wrong in this case because i thought i can save some money when my friend suggested that actually you can buy the "student ticket" (child ticket) to get a cheaper price.
however, due to my "save cost" mindset, it had caused me into a trouble that i never thought that there will be someone check our ticket after passing through the machine.
seriously i was so worry after i had been caught by police for buying child ticket on London underground tube station and i really feel regret for doing it.
in fact, i had been always following the rules when i arrived London last time where i had been paying a lot of $$ using Oyster card before my friend told me about "this saving cost" information buying the tickets from the machine counter.
after the undercover police got my name, address and date of birth information, he told me that he will pass it to the underground station and see they will decide either give me a warning letter, a fines, getting into court or probably ended up in jail if i am not mistaken before letting me go. (i do beg for giving me a chance)
frankly speaking, i really felt ashamed about myself for doing such things as an international student because it would resulted me having "no face" to face my relatives if my cousin found out and she will know if the police sent a letter to her house.
honestly, i never think about faking my name, address or any information and feel that my "brain can't turn fast" (头脑转不快) if i can think about it for getting escape.
upon arrived the class late for 20 minutes, the "getting caught by police" experiences couldn't get out of my mind since i was wrong in this case and i couldn't really focus the English course.
during the talking session, an Italian friend suddenly asked me that he saw me at tube station with the police this morning and i was embarrass to say anything about it.
after the break time session, i quickly phoned my brother and talked about it.
then he comforted me a lot when i was worry whether i need to tell my cousin about this matter.
however, his suggestion was don't talk about it to my cousin because it doesn't really bring any different as i can talk about it later if the police had sent the letter to the house.
actually as i think deeper about it, i think all the "evil roots" that happened might be came from the negativity thought that i received from other people's thought that influence me such as "why want to spend so much money in UK while you can have the better one's when back to Malaysia" and others word.
for example, a plate of Chinese chicken rice that cost for RM5 in Malaysia is sold for £8 (RM40) in UK. therefore i would somehow cut down my expenses when eating outside.
in the end, i might be a great failure example of a person who listening too much from other people opinion that would eventually lost myself in the end.
on the other hand, i do feel myself seems to be exploring the "rich people" related thing and still not sure what is the real answer because different people have different opinion.
as i went back attending the class, i seems to be getting a little relief after listening to a lot of my brother's comfort but somehow i start to think about it after the next class.
during the afternoon, i went to the nearby Mc Donalds to have my lunch and it was coincidence to meet some Switzerland friends at there.
guess what? one of them asked me about this morning incident with police again and i just simply answer about it where it started to "haunt" me again.
guess this is what people call for "If you don't want anyone to know what you've done, don't do it" (若要人不知，除非己莫为) as i really get a strong lesson from it.
for now, i was feeling so embarrass because it seems that a lot of people from my school know that i was having some trouble with the police during this morning.
anyways, the next class was about the preparation of presentation slide for my country's economy as we need to present own's country economy for tomorrow.
apparently, i seems to be not having much focus after so many "evil + negative thought" that pop up in my head and i just phoned my brother again after all the class ends.
well, this time i had been scolded by my brother because i was like a girl that keep thinking the same problem all over again.
according to him, this kind of case is so small if compared to the working world and said "why you always think like the end of the world, how would you able to overcome the big challenge in the world in future?"
if i can think it rationally, the worst case scenario would be getting fine since this is my first time for breaking the rules and said "why you always keep repeating the same thing from the afternoon like a girl, since it already happened, then just get on, wake up the next morning and continue with a new day" is better right?
moreover, there is so many big criminal such as killing happening around the world and i don't think the police will lock you up in jail if you just "cheated"£1 or £2 pound money.
in addition, he just say that don't let all this negativity thought haunting you because you will always say bad about anything even if the things was the best of the world.
for example, if i always think that this English course is waste of time and money, then it will be, why you so care about how your friend said about it, can't you just enjoy this course and make the best out of it since not much people would have such opportunity.
somehow i feel that this might be the main reason of not having a "successful love relationship" because what girl's really want to see is a guy who have confidence doing anything instead of "scare this and that" right?
in the end, i think the most precious advice i listened from my brother when he told me that "what had happen is already a fact, i want you to think all over again about the things that happened today and learn a valuable lesson from it or look it in a positive way such as that this would be a very special experience just for myself" because it might be a fate that God is giving me a test to know how i would face it.
in fact, he expected me to be more mature a bit as i have been working in real life before as i should know about how things goes around.
over time, i really feel that there is so many things to worry about as i grown older and the things that actually means a lot to me was actually just a small matter in others people point of view.
perhaps having too many assumption or thought would be just a part of procrastination?
anyways, i just make a move from the school around 7pm and wouldn't dare to break the underground rules although my heart was feeling down when passing by there.
overall today's happening really freaks me out and this kind of experiences certainly not very good to have because it was so shameful and disgrace if the people i know find it out.
finally i arrived back home at 8.40am and have my dinner with my relatives.
well, we do talk a lot but i didn't told her what had happened this morning although i told her that the reason i feel to back to my country was because afraid that i "lose" my earning ability for every moment i spent here.
however, her advice was don't feel it's too late to earn money when comparing myself to other friends who had already start to earn money.
guess she was right that i had nothing to lose other than that unless i didn't improve or learn anything.
besides, it seems that comparing is good if you don't wallow yourself in self pity in the end, but instead do something to change it or to improve that is quite meaningful.
perhaps the only person that you need to compare yourself with, is the person you were yesterday.
according to some website, it seems that the "If the police didn't punish you there by telling you you've been issued with a fine or anything then, it might be just a scare tactic to stop you doing it again. But, now they have you on record so they can watch out to see if you'd repeat the incident. Don't worry about it too much, worst comes to worst you'll get a letter sent to you explaining what they intend to do such as issue you with a small fine. Just sit tight and don't worry about it, people get caught doing that thing every day and it won't get you a criminal record unless you become a re-offender" which i not sure true or not.
anyways, the penalty fares increased from £50 to £80 from the 2 January 2012, this will be enforced from 19 February 2012. (The penalty fare is £80. This will be reduced to £40 if you pay within 21 days)
therefore from now onward my "daily cost" would be around RM450 including all the tuition fees for just a day and it is quite scary to think about it. (if i never make such decision to stay at my relative house, i wouldn't be so down? no idea?)
later on, my relatives have helped me in having a better presentation style but i feel a little too late for me to become like her talking with a strong confidence and interesting.
at the end this post, i do feel afraid about this whole morning incident because it was my first time to face the police and its truly had given me a good lesson. (worry get fine/court or let my relative know about it)
in fact, my final last decision was to keep secret about the things that happened to me this morning and writing this post was just a way of confessions in order to feel better. (guess UK is not a place for poor people, talking to myself: lonely reload, please be positive a bit lah, so miss my country now although no use to regret about the decision that had being made)
at last, i feel myself a little "stupid" for writing my feelings of life for so many years and tomorrow might be my last post although it is quite sad to let it go after wasted my time for so long.
goodbye?
(Self Expenses note: Today £15.40)