Depression With A Black Dog

This morning I followed my cousin to the nearby elementary school to see her children's performance for the advance celebration of Christmas. Well, it does make me think about my past as a toddler although I couldn't recall back much memory when I was young. Anyway, I learnt that I will spend some time with my "future children" (if I had) by going this kind of similar activities. Furthermore, I start to like the western culture where they will "kiss/hug/cuddle" their children more than any Asian people will do based on my own assumption.

During the afternoon, I was getting conflicted within myself about some thought. Suddenly I saw a video that is similar to my problem where I'm having depression with a black dog. Seriously it is so true that my biggest fear was being found out that I had such a "ugly thought" in my past as I wondered how others people will judge me. It is probably one of the reason that why I'm afraid to disclose my identity in public. Those nonsense thought was like "Who really want to know *this lonely reload* person is so lonely? What is his intention behind by keep embracing the *Mr Lonely* keyword?

In fact, all this kind of "self talking using blog" activity seems to be bring me harm and get myself devoured in the end. There has been a lot of blogger activity that I had been missed out due to my own "protect/stay anonymous" policy as I'm afraid to disclose myself. Anyway, I would like to share "I had a black dog, his name was depression" by Matthew Johnstone with its transcript as shown below or the link >>> Here.
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I had a black dog, his name was Depression. Whenever the black dog made an appearance, I felt empty and life just seemed to slow down. He could surprise me with the visit for no reason or occasion. The black dog could made me look and feel older than my years.

When the rest of the world seemed to be enjoying life, I could only see it through the black dog. Activities that usually brought me pleasure suddenly ceased to. He liked to ruin my appetite. He chewed up my memory and my ability to concentrate. Doing anything or going anywhere with black dog required superhuman strength.

At social occasions, he would sniff out what confidence I had and chase it away. My biggest fear was being found out; I worried that people might judge me. Because of the shame and stigma of the black dog, I was constantly worried about being found out.

So I invested a vast amount of energy to covering him up. Keeping up an emotional life is exhausting! Black dog could make me think and say negative things. He could make me irritable and difficult to be around. He would take my love and bury my intimacy. He loved nothing more than to wake me with highly repetitive negative thinking. He also liked to remind me how exhausted I was going to be the next day.
Having a black dog in your life is not so much about feeling a bit down, sad or blue. At its worst, it is about being devoid of feeling altogether. As I grew older, black dog got bigger and he started hanging around all the time. I chased them off with whatever I thought might send him running. But more often than not, he would come out on top. Going down became easier than getting up again.

So I became rather good at self medication, which never really helped. Eventually I felt totally isolated from everything and everyone. The black dog had finally succeeded in hijacking my life. When you lose all joy in life you can begin to question at the point of it is?

Thankfully this was time when I sought professional help. This was my first step towards recovery and was a major turning point in my life. I learnt that it does not matter who you are, the black dog affects millions and millions of people. It is an equal opportunity mangrove. I also learnt that there was no silver bullet or magic pill. Medication can help some and others might need different approach altogether.

I also learnt that being emotionally genuine or authentic to those who close to you can be an absolute game changer. Most importantly I learnt not to be afraid of black dog and taught him a few tricks of my own. The more tired or stressed you get the louder he barks. It is important to learn how to quiet your mind.

It's been clinically proven that regular exercise can be as effective for treating mild to moderate depression as antidepressant. So go for a walk or run and leave the mutt behind. Keep a mood journal, getting your thoughts on paper can be cathartic and often insightful. Also keep track of the things you have to be grateful for.

The most important thing to remember is that no matter how bad it gets, if you take the right steps, talk to the right people, black dog days can and will pass. I wouldn't say that I am grateful for the black dog. But he has been an incredible teacher. He forced me to re-evaluate and simplify my life. I learnt that rather than running away from my problems, it is better to embrace them.

The black dog may always be a part of my life. But he would never be the beast that it was. We have an understanding now. I've learnt through knowledge, patience, discipline and humour, the worst black dog can be made to heel. If you are in difficulty, never be afraid to ask for help. There is absolutely no shame in doing so, the only shame is missing out of life.
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The sentences that highlighted in colour is somehow the feeling that I felt. Frankly speaking, I do know that I shall leave all this nonsense thought by quitting blogging but somehow it seems to keep "finding it ways to connect back with me" because it has become a channel for me to express my thought long time ago. Feel free to have a look "The Black Dog Causes and Cures for Depression" by Professor Glenn D. Wilson as below or the link >>> Here.

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