well, i just get myself prepared and quickly went to work because afraid i might be late.
during the moment while waiting the bus, there's a guy start to have conversation with me and i just realized he was also one of the Tarc guaduate but pursuing his internship at a market research company.
actually i had been seen him long time ago during the moment i start to work in this new company but we never talk as i am not a very sociable person.
while he was sharing, i just realized that actually there is so much well paid part time job available and it seems like i did not put much effort to find it other than finding this full time job as i will resign soon.
for example, Disney and Blackberry events will have a payout of RM2,000+ within 2 weeks of work and they pay the salary on the spot which is quite good.
another was about a company at Sabah where they will provide the allowance for air ticket if you willing to work there for part time.
anyways, i just got to know the well known market research company in Malaysia was Nielsen and another was TNC company.
upon arrived the office at 9.25am, i just check on the ads that i created yesterday and it seems the result is bad which i continue to doubt my capabilities.
besides, it seems that the biggest boss in this company was the current Japanese boss brother's.
well, i think the reason he was there was to monitor us since his brother haven back from Taiwan but he know how to speak Chinese although he was a Japanese.
during the afternoon, i followed some colleagues go for lunch at Mc Donalds KL Sentral.
well, they was talking about working related stuff but suddenly sharing about some gay's story that he know/encounter before.
at first i was feeling quit okay to listen to those Gay's story but it seems i start to worry.
it is because i just don't know why i suddenly myself seems to be in the "Gay's categories" and my heart just keep pumping fast when they talk more about gay's stuff.
for an example, they say those people who're gay will usually know how to hide they "gayness" and act like a normal person in the public which make me feel "gay" out of sudden.
the first story was about some of the Malay's promoter did not hide they gay's personalities and shown out in public which make he feel "vomit".
another story was about his ex-company supervisor from Maxis seems to be a gay keep "touching" him.
the next story that he share was there's a guy who have a girlfriend, suddenly one day his friend who was a gay had sex with the guy who already had girlfriend when the he get drunk.
somehow i was feeling so uneasy when listening to those gay's story and i keep wonder myself why i have such feeling where i even asked myself am i a Gay?
in fact, my facial expression seems to be so fake like hiding something, yet they seems like keep "testing me" whether i am gay or not when they continue to talk for almost 1 hour.
seriously i really don't know how to say myself during that moment as i was just keep pretending looking my phone, yet i know my eyes seems to be keep "wink" (眨眼睛) as it looks like i am "guilty" where the girl colleague seems to be suspecting something that i am gay that make me totally speechless.
while walking back office, i keep thinking why i keep had those "guilty feeling" when they talk about gay.
honestly, i was keep having the "weird" feeling after the lunch as i keep questioned myself whether "I am gay? I am gay? Why i feel so guilty when someone hinting/thought that i am gay" which is totally make no sense right if i react awkward just now.
during the evening meeting from the guy who promoting his ads service that installed in most of the Cyber Cafe, i couldn't focus much due to keep thinking that "stupid gay" question.
around 6.35pm i make a move from office as i just keep listening to music in order to get relax a bit.
when i reach Wangsa Maju LRT at 7.10pm, i went to have economy rice as my dinner.
finally i arrived back home at 7.35pm which is consider quite early.
while taking bath, that kind of "stupid and awkward" thought make me feel disgusting as i keep wondering why myself keep think about it.
at last, i forced myself to think deeply the 7 reason why i feel myself awkward this afternoon when they sharing about the "gay topic" as shown below.
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1) I remember I have this exact similar feeling when friend's/ex-ex-classmate sharing this related topic while girls around when i still at Tar college years ago.
2) Don't have girlfriends, which eventually make other's people think something wrong is going in me.
3) Never have "sxx" with girl before. (still virgin till now if no count TFK/DIY)
4) Keep hanging out with guys most of my time, did not have much conversation when girls around.
5) Maybe someone has accused/spread out the rumors or thought that i am gay?
6) Writing 20 related post saying that "i feel myself so gay" in blog when no girls hang out at >>> Here.
7) A housemate's friends sleep in my bed together with me due to it's late at the link >>> Here. (ma pou)
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it is because there's people say that the more you deny a thing, the more you will be! (in fact, my friend's name that start with "S" saying this statement that i will "beat my wife one day when i say i won't)
seriously i realize the problem here is that i listening too much of voices/noises that make me feel doubt about myself whether i am this kind of guy, or that kind of guy. (OMG !!! Lonely Reload Is Gay???)
while writing this post, suddenly my housemate walked in and i had got a "shock" where he say i must be doing something guilty (只有做亏心事的人才会吓一跳) but the fact is i am writing this "gay post" and don't want anyone to see it.
perhaps i should really try the "p" related things that recommended by "prostitute blogger review" as he have a lot of contact just to prove that i am not "gay"?
furthermore, i did afraid that will get HIV if i really go for it and where i keep my "V" until now.
somehow i seems to be having super strong imaginary mind where i can relate back to "The Host movie" yesterday as i might be "hosted" by Aliens.
on the other hand, i think i had found the bad side of being too alone or "too free" which will eventually lead to having so much of thought.
one thing for sure is that if you have this kind of negative thought, it will surely affect your real life which you can't really hide/pretend unless you're a master of fakers.
in conclusion, i totally feel myself getting more weird and weird as i express more and more feelings on the online atmosphere.
maybe my intention of "blogging to express feeling" is a totally wrong move from the beginning although until now i still not sure it is good or bad? (not even have long term goal?)
however, if you place myself in your shoes, when you have not much people or having some sensitive topic like this to express out, who will you find other than writing in blog? (even close friend i also don't feel to ask about this kind of weird thing, when looking back my phone contact for girls, i couldn't find any girls to ask about this weird issue)
frankly speaking, i almost want to send an SMS to the girl that i liked last time about how's she was doing recently but when think deeper, it seems that there's no use looking at my own problem now.
in fact, i already accepted the fact that i will never be with her as if i am a girl, i will definitely choose a guy that is older, more mature, independent, capable and etc where i will need few more years to reach that level but it might too late to chase back and probably she already married that time.
when writing this post, my tears almost "drop" down again when i think about my past.
my feelings now was totally like the "feeling that doesn't reach" song as below or >>> Here.
it is so FAKE to keep "self-comfort" myself with the Chinese motivational words again. (再怎么痛，再怎么难过，人家也看不到，也不会心疼你，你难过给谁看？)
perhaps i really got "mental" problem or professional self-bully where i "enjoying" making myself sad?
=(